In the light of recent events, exposing the disgusting behaviour of Harvey Weinstein, resulting in the floodgates flying open for the numerous women, and men but, let's be honest, mostly women who have been sexually harassed and felt compelled to stay silent, I decided to weigh in to the argument on behalf of the older woman. If I'm accused of jumping on the bandwagon then so be it. The best time to get aboard is when it's already in motion.
Suddenly the media is awash with reports of women suffering the unwanted attentions of men in every area of life. Sadly, it appears it had to be flagged up by high profile women in the glamorous worlds of film and theatre in order for people to take notice. Now politicians are being exposed for their abuse of power and over-inflated ideas of entitlement, but any woman, in any walk of life will recognise those scenarios. You don't have to be a Hollywood star to experience abuse, from the casual grope through to violent rape. Stop any woman on the street. They'll all have their story. The surprising thing is this sudden outpouring of shock and horror. It's Jimmy Savile all over again. We all know about it, and we've all complained about it, but nobody took much notice. Now, all of a sudden, it's everywhere! And I'm glad. It gets the message out there that it's just not acceptable to touch a woman, any woman, in any way, if she does not want you to. It is not acceptable to make lewd remarks, and it is not acceptable to become angry and insulting when a woman rejects your uninvited approach. It is not acceptable to abuse your power and use it is a weapon.
There are those men who are taking to the media to whinge about how complicated it's getting for the poor lambs. But it's terribly simple. Stop blaming women for your lack of control and make damned sure it's consensual before you make a move. Otherwise it's harassment. Clear?
Of course I don't tar all men with the same brush. There are lots of lovely, sensitive, non-predatory men out there. I'm married to one. That doesn't dilute the effect of the ones who are the opposite of all that and who devastate and blight entire lives.
And now to the point of my argument. It would appear, from the media coverage that, by and large, you are only at danger from this behaviour if you are young, attractive and perceived as desirable. Not so. But when it comes to older women it gets complicated.
I've written on this subject in an earlier blog but I feel it's worth revisiting at this particular moment. There seem to be an undefined point when a woman passes from object of desire to sexless being. Now, there are many advantages to the ageing process and, in some ways, this is one of them. It can be a relief not to have to go through that dance on a crowded train, trying to make sure you've edged your way out of the reach of the guy with the wandering hands. I wish I'd had the courage of the woman who grabbed the hand on her buttock, held it aloft and shouted, "I just found this on my arse. Does it belong to anyone?"
You can go into a bar, buy yourself a drink and settle in a corner with your book without constantly checking for the man who thinks being tipsy on Prosecco makes him irresistible and is heading your way. It can be very freeing.
However, there are those who think that age renders you entirely devoid of feeling and preference. These people, sometimes complete strangers, imagine that laying hands on you uninvited is totally acceptable and who look shocked and affronted when you recoil or shrug them off. We're not supposed to mind. Worse still, I think we're sometimes expected to be oddly grateful for this unwanted attention. After all, we're no longer sex objects are we, so we can't possible take offence can we? Yes, we fucking can!
But I have a personal axe to grind. There is a particular man, who I sometimes work with, who is much too handy for comfort. He's a cheery soul. Greets all as his friend. Is possibly a little younger than me, but not much. And I dislike this 'likeable' man. For a kick off, he addresses me as 'sweetheart'. He knows my name perfectly well and I find the patronising use of 'dear' and 'lovie', that you endure day in and day out once you pass a certain age, offensive and annoying, but I can (just about) forgive those who don't know my name.....though there are better alternatives, or simply nothing at all, which is just fine. But this man's 'sweetheart' makes my flesh creep. And then there's the touching.
I'm comfortable with a matey arm flung round a shoulder, but not the sudden sensation of hands being slipped slowly round your waist from behind, or the brushing of the back of a hand across your bottom, just a little too firmly to be accidental, that really offends me. I know for a fact I am not alone, and I certainly don't flatter myself than I am an object of desire to this man. I honestly believe that this is his habitual way of behaving around women. And as, presumably, nobody has ever challenged him he continues to think it's just fine. And it so isn't. For ANY women, regardless of age.
It may well be ingrained in him from those unenlightened times when such behaviour was widely accepted. Not liked, but accepted.
But times have changed and it's never too late to learn. Or is it? I question myself as to why I haven't reacted to his behaviour. Am I afraid of being ridiculed for even suggesting a man would choose to touch me? That I'd be accused of an over active imagination?
I'm fairly sure that if I challenge him then I will be accused of being silly, or over-sensitive and most people would probably side with the transgressor. He's a nice bloke, he doesn't mean any harm, and who do I think I am?
Well, I reckon I'm a woman. My age is immaterial. My feelings are my own, as is my body. And it's time to say, "D'you know what, I don't like that. Please don't do it."
A small, personal skirmish in the great, feminist fight. But they all count. Don't they?
Thanks so much for reading.
